I know it’s hard to see your ex, especially if you hate her already. Or more so, if you’re still in love with her. But one way or the other, you have to learn to be civil to her and her family if you want to see your kid. You will also have to accept the fact that there might be a new man in her life, or that she has moved on without you. It makes perfect sense to just walk away especially if she’s being bitchy and all; but don’t. If, on the other hand, you and your ex are good friends, that’s all for the better.

The first thing you have to do is to make your ex feel comfortable with the fact that you want to be around. If you get into the habit of dropping by unexpectedly, you’ll turn out to be an unwelcome guest. So, talk to your ex about wanting to be part of your child’s life; and make her understand why. Of course, if you haven’t been helping her, financially, you’ll most likely be snubbed. You need to settle child support issues first.

If you never courted your ex, you might be in for a challenge. Children have to be wooed. Don’t think that just because you share DNA with your kid, you two will be bonded for life. Reality check! So start by introducing yourself, and making your presence known. A phone call a day will go a long way. If your child is too young to talk to you over the phone, or if they have the attention span of a 1 year old; you might want to visit every other day. Maybe twice or thrice a week. Just make sure that you are consistent with your visits.

Buy a toy that your kid will associate with you. When you come by for a visit, get the toy and play with it. Or maybe you can buy a blanket or pillow that they can hug; and then spray your perfume on it. Scent association is very powerful. Another good idea is to have a picture taken with your baby; put this in a picture frame and put it where your child can see it.

If your ex has been a good mother, then the child will probably love her more than you. (Really!) So you have to learn to deal with the fact that you will always be at the bottom of your child’s list, especially if you have not been around during the “formative years”. This is also true for babies and toddlers. If they don’t know you, they’ll only look at you out of curiosity.

If your child is old enough to own a cell phone, then you might as well buy them one. In this way, they can easily contact you when they want to talk to you; and vice versa. Don’t be disheartened if they don’t call you often. Remember that you’re just a small part of their lives, and their worlds revolve around the family they grew up with (mother, grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and even yayas). If you call and they appear uninterested, don’t fret. You probably called at a bad time (which will be often). Try calling before they go to sleep, when they’re already tucked in for bed.

They mean what they say, so don’t underestimate or overestimate them. If they say they don’t know, it’s likely that they really don’t. They also have a different language, and you might not be privy to what this secret form of communication is. So you might as well ask your ex to explain.

Teach them something! If you have a son, teach him how to ride a bike, swim or play basketball. If you have a daughter … well, I can’t think of anything. You could also help with their homework. Just make sure that you leave a lasting impression on your child. Their brains are like sponges, and they have memories comparable to that of elephants. Well, there are other kids who might be stubborn; still teaching them is one of the best ways to cement bonds.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep. If you know you won’t be able to make it, or know that you won’t be able to buy the toy that they want; don’t keep them hoping that you will. They may not tell you how disappointed they are, but they will most likely associate you with false promises. You know what, don’t say anything that you know you won’t be able to do. In relation to this, DON’T LIE. If you get caught, you’re in for big trouble. If they ask something, just tell them the truth – no matter how painful it will be for them.

Most importantly, give them your full attention. Just like you want them to talk to you when you call, don’t spend half of the conversation talking to someone else. Listen to what they are saying. Just because your kid is telling you that they picked flowers, doesn’t mean it’s not important.

Now you see why it’s important that you are in good terms with your ex? Fighting her will do you no good. So it’s best if you learn to swallow your pride and compromise.

That’s about it for now. I’m sleepy and my neck’s already stiff from staring at my monitor all day long. If I do remember anything, I’ll be sure to post it here. If you have anything to say, please feel free to comment!