The mood swings have not started, and yet everybody thinks that my personality has changed. Are they just looking for ways to excuse themselves from actually dealing with the fact that this pregnancy is about me and not about them? Or do they truly believe that the temperamental Jackie still exists within me? They say they’re happy for me, but I know that deep down inside they think I’m making a big mistake. At the back of their minds, they’re thinking I’m crazy because of the way I’m dealing with the situation – but when everything hits rock bottom, there’s nothing you can do but go up, right? They might as well all be sincerely happy for me, for I have already accepted the fact that life doesn’t usually go our way.

But this isn’t about them! At least my mom understands that this is my life, and I make the decisions. She may not agree with me on a lot of things, but I know that she will love me no matter what I do. My mom just wants me to be happy, and have a life that was different from hers. I’m smart, Mom, and my story will be different; just trust that I will make choices for the good of my kids, the same way you did when you left. You sacrificed for us, and I’m going to sacrifice for my kids as well, just not the same way you did, and I’m not going to end up an angry single mom - I only ask that you trust me the way I trusted you. My life has revolved around rebelling against you, but that was my way of making sure that you noticed me amidst the distance between us. There are times when I just need you to be there and tell me you understand what I’m going through. I understand you even if you think I don’t, and I love you even if I don’t say it often.

One day, I hope to see my brother and the sperm donor shake hands. I have forgiven the sperm donor a long time ago, and I hope my family and friends find it in their hearts to forgive. Although my brother seems apathetic at times, I know that he’s just looking out for me, and wants me to be truly happy. As for my dad, he will always be there, supporting me all the way, and cheering for me like always. I may have grown up faster than you wanted, but I’m still daddy’s little girl. Only you truly understand me, and even though I ignore you at times due to the volume of my work, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore.

I’m thankful that the sperm donor has been working doubly hard to change and has promised to take care of us. It’s just a matter of following through with his promises. I may not trust you completely today, but continue what you’re doing and I may believe that you truly want to spend the rest of your life with me. Just give me time to get used to having you around again, just be patient with me a bit longer for I am only human. One day, I’ll figure out what I want and you’ll be the first to know. For now, believe me when I say I am content. I only ask two things from you, honesty and respect; for without these two, we will be nothing. I’m not scared, I’m just being cautious because you have broken my heart one too many times in the past. Once I’ve learned to trust you with my life again, I’ll hand over my heart on a silver platter.