I’m suddenly so insecure about my appearance, and sometimes even wishing that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I was still getting second looks, but not the kind of attention that I would prefer. And definitely not from women who were probably wondering if I had swallowed a watermelon. My spirits were lifted the other day when I saw a guy smile at me, after giving me second (and third, and fourth) glances. Of course, I was sitting down munching on dumplings, trying to satisfy my craving for something salty, so he probably didn’t see my bulging belly.

I immediately sent my good friend a message, and told her about it. Talk about desperate!!! I decided right then and there that I was going to hit the gym right after I give birth. Only to be dragged back to reality with the fact that our maid is leaving in a few days, and I still can’t find a replacement for her. Or rather, it was a conscious decision not to hire a stranger who’ll probably be watching TV all day long.

This whole situation that I’m in, I don’t blame anyone except for myself. I’m stupid and I’m controlled by my desires. Of course, there’s a part of me that wants to point the finger elsewhere, but it probably won’t matter anymore. I just have to deal with the fact that I’m now “buy one, take two”. A good deal, if we were talking about shopping; but apparently, that’s not good when we’re discussing single motherhood.

I again sent my friend a message today, saying that I might not be able to find a great guy now that I’m “on sale”. She said some things that struck me, “you’re still that gorgeous woman you were before, now you’re just stronger because 2 mini-mes are depending on you”. Stronger, yes I am. Gorgeous, maybe more on the voluptuous side since I’ve gained a lot of weight. She also said that “you have to believe that you are complete and happy as you are because you really are”.

I know she’s supposed to say things that will make me feel better because she’s my friend. But she has never really said anything that isn’t true. I’ve been raving about being happy and complete before I got pregnant, and I’m frustrated because I don’t feel like the same person. I know that pregnancy is temporary; and the boring, helpless Jackie will once again be the funny, witty and carefree Jackie once I give birth. Well, at least that’s what I’m hoping.

Another friend said that it’s not impossible for me to find a great guy because I’m naturally likable (when I want to be, that is). And at this day and age, it doesn’t really matter how many kids you have as long as you don’t expect your boyfriend to take care of you and your children. I agreed, of course, but something’s telling me that men aren’t really as open minded as he is. There are still families who think that single moms are a nuisance to society. But really, I’m proud to be a single mom, because I don’t owe anyone any favors and I have a well-rounded son. I know the little monkey-slash-alien-slash-baby will be like his older brother because I’m confident that I’m a good mother.

Now I just have to deal with the injustices from our narrow-minded society. I don’t have to prove anything, but I still want to show other people that it doesn’t matter if I’m “buy one, take two”, because I don’t expect charity from anyone.